AZ asks: Ida Independent Part 10

Ida Independent is a 48 year old stay-at-home Mom of two children who is now going through a divorce.  Ida and her husband had decided early on in their marriage that it was in the best interest of the family if she did not work outside of the home so that you could spend her time concentrating on the children and the family.  As a one income family, with no work experience outside of the home since her marriage, Ida was shocked to learn that their financial status had deteriorated to a level that now would require her to find a paying job as soon as possible. Ida had trusted her husband to protect the family financially, but their lack of communication about money played a major role in the derailment of their marriage.

AZ asks: Ida Part 10

AZ asks:  Do you truly believe your marriage is over?

No one ever wants to believe that, but I had to accept the reality of the whole situation. Whatever my husband’s reasons were, the bottom line is that he has technically walked out on the girls and I and it is the end of our relationship…or at least our relationship as husband and wife. You just don’t do that to loved ones. I had to accept the fact that no matter how unimaginable the whole situation was, this was becoming my new reality.  Right then and there I decided to stop wasting any more time thinking about coming up with some kind of a plan to try and get him back. I also decided that I wasn’t going to waste anymore of my time daydreaming that maybe he would come to his senses, regret his decision and then eventually come running back to me and things would just go on as if nothing had ever happened. He had made his choice very clear and I now know that I can handle it and whatever else is thrown at me. I am definitely stronger than I was 4 months ago and every day I get a little bit more so!

AZ asks:  Did you try to rationalize what was happening during this time?

No, I stopped. I had already been coping with basically being abandoned by my husband for months and I had already gone through the reasons and scenarios as to what led us to this. Was he unhappy with me all the time? Was he having an affair? Was I too fat, too thin, too selfish or too lazy?  Did I expect too much from my husband? Was I not supportive enough? Every marriage involves a big investment in your time, efforts and emotions and I truly felt like I had given it my all and I was willing to work on anything that would be beneficial to us. I stopped blaming myself.

When you find that you don’t have a marriage any more, it can seem like someone has literally punched you in your stomach. I had already cried every tear I had in me and I had been as miserable as any human being could be…but I was not going down that road again. My biggest priority still was to make sure I kept myself pulled together and took care of my girls.

 

AZ asks:  Are you talking the time to take care of yourself?

Yes, this is so important for everyone going through a difficult situation. I forced myself to eat a healthy diet even when I could barely get anything to go down my throat. I continued to exercise just as I have always done even before my husband left. I obviously don’t have the cash flow for gym fees right now, so I take brisk walks in the park while the girls were at school or work out to an aerobic CD.

I am trying to get back to our normal routine which I knew will be the best thing for all of us. In the beginning I was so embarrassed by husband’s actions. But in reality how he handled it is his issue not mine. I am realizing that I am actually the stronger one…I stayed and faced the music…I didn’t run away.  I also realized, just because people know about your situation and ask you a lot of questions; it certainly doesn’t mean that you have to answer them if you don’t want to.

AZ asks: Do the girls understand what is going on?

The breakdown of our family has been equally if not tougher on the girls. I believe that having them see me struggling may have increased their own feelings of sadness and insecurity. I have talks with them to let them know I will always be upfront and honest with them and then I will explain any changes that may be coming up for our family. I only let them know what they can handle based on their ages so that I don’t give them more information than they could actually process. I keep reassuring them that no matter what happens, I will always be there for them and we would always be a family.

AZ asks: How are you coming with all the fact-finding information you were gathering?

Well, you will never guess what came in the mail today…

To be continued…

Ida Independent is not affiliated with nor endorsed by LPL Financial.

About Ann Zuraw

Ann Zuraw, the voice behind "Chicks, Chat and Change", is a Certified Financial Planner (CFP®), Chartered Financial Analyst (CFA®), and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA™).If you have comments on this post contact Ann Zuraw

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